“Apologize to your sister,” is a common refrain in my household. After a punch, a kick, a pinch, a ponytail pulled, Jessica and I would intervene with a “Look what you just did. Now, apologize to your sister.”

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The offending sister would sometimes reluctantly indulge us before running away to continue playing while her sister remained screaming, crying, dumbfounded, hurt.

Danya Ruttenberg’s On Repentance and Repair challenges the common cultural tendency to prioritize forgiveness over repair and accountability, arguing that true reconciliation requires acknowledging harm, taking responsibility, and making amends. 

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Rewind. Child screams because her sister pulled her hair and ran away. Parent goes to console the victim whose hair was pulled. She cries for a bit while receiving a hug or space (her choice). Other parent finds the other child to ask what happened, and to begin to coach her in acknowledging the harm and taking responsibility. Then both are invited to see one another and be seen by each other and encouraged to make it right with one another.

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Clinical Psychologist, mom of 3 and founder of the Podcast and community Good Inside, Dr. Becky would remind us to help both children remember they are good inside. She writes, “The principle of internal goodness drives all of my work—I hold the belief that kids and parents are good inside, which allows me to be curious about the “why” of their bad behaviors.” We can identify with both the victim and perpetrator. We are her at different times.  And both need, more than ever, to be seen and cared for. There is a good kid that just expresses frustration or anger or jealously in a particular way. Love on them and help them figure out why a bad behavior emerged.

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I am struck by the simplicity of this idea and the complexity of caring for both involved in the conflict. On the one hand, how do you show care to the victim? On the other, how do you love and get the perpetrator to acknowledge the hurt they did without just jumping to “apologize!”

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Ruttenberg writes, “All too often in our culture, forgiveness granted to an unrepentant perpetrator -- or to a particularly repentant perpetrator, or to one whose inner work is unclear but who can write a compelling social media post expressing regret -- is conflated with absolution. That is, if the person who has been wronged grants the perpetrator forgiveness, it's read as if the victim is closing the books freeing the perpetrator from any further obligation to do the work of transformation, of change, of making amends, of becoming the kind of person who doesn't do that harmful thing anymore.” (183)

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A moment of conflict, may be just that, a moment, perhaps a long one if people are not ready to acknowledge the truth of the hurt, pain, and consequence. It is not enough for my child who experienced her hair being pulled to say, “I’m ok. I’m fine.” This expectant claim may seem to clear the guilty party of taking responsibility. What may be more important is for us to say is this, “we know you both are hurt and frustrated and possibly sad and angry. How can we say a sorry that gets us to stop mis-treating you? Is there something you want your sister to own that she hasn’t yet?”

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And more importantly, the invitation to more transformation must be extended: “I believe you want something more between you and your sister. And I believe you are frustrated and upset. Can we tell our body to do something else besides hurt people around us when we are frustrated? What’s something else we can do?”

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